Hello people =),
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Hello people =),
Sunday, 24 February 2008
I am seriously lost, and feeling very sad/confused and overall emotional. I feel like I've drifted so far away from my comforts. No offence to anyone, and I'm sorry I'm doing this in so public a fashion, where just about anyone with an internet connection can see it, but its the only way I can be sure everyone gets the same message. I feel like something's missing. Someone's missing. I've felt it for years. So very long, that I once asked my mum if she had any miscarriages cos I was sure someone was missing from the family. I know I have great friends, and yet no-one knows everything, though some have come close to it. Even with everything and anything I might have told you, even subliminally, put together, it would not form a complete picture. I feel that no-one knows me. No-one can tell what I'm thinking. No-one shares my likes and dislikes. As in Hillary's most recent blog, its my pride that has stopped me, the feeling that I'll be judged, cos I know that no matter how hard a person tries not to judge, no-one can be fully neutral to any situation.
I've actually spent most of my day thinking about this, or finding ways not to. I can tell you that I hate it, but I don't want to let go of this feeling. You know why? I'm scared. So completely scared that I'll drown. This is a feeling I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. Not having it will leave me more confused, scared and alone. I'm pretty sure I will be surrounded my unfamiliarity. As much as I've pined for someone to realise, no matter how much I prayed for someone to realise, I'm pretty sure no-one has. And even though I've wished and prayed for someone to realise, I also prayed and wished no-one would, cos I'm secure in this emotional state somehow, I am a natural loner through and through. Though I love company, I love being alone. I hate being left out, but at the same time it gives me reason to wallow in this. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm not sure if I want people to know, or if i want them to find out. Im tired of waiting, but I hate that its gone unnoticed. So much for subliminal hints.
I'm so bored. The last thing I feel like doing right now is studying for my mocks. Stupid things. I'd so much rather be helping out! Ehhh but that's life. I'm pretty sure I can and will help out many other times in the future.
Actually, I'm kinda repeatedly singing what it takes in my head. And I have about two hours left of conscious information intake. Which I'm using up on youtube cos I'm so sick of mocks *semi-sarcastic and irionic smile: : )*
p.s. there are some real losers around
Thursday, 21 February 2008
We're just as awesome as the fiveawesomegirls and the fiveawesomeguys, I promise!! =)
Thursday, 14 February 2008
So I realised I have to let it rain. Seriously. I really have to 'zvogate', as many would put it. To be completely frank, I'm quite confused at the moment, and to make matters worse, I cant place my finger on the cause. It's just this general aura revolving around me. I know I've always been affected by the people around me, but this is completely different =S. I'm happy and sad, Im upset and full of laughter, I feel humorous yet apathetic. Yeah.. to me that counts as certifiably confused. But, by saying this, I dnt want sympathy or anything. I'm not doing this for any other reason but to help me get through it, cos I figured, I have to let go of it somehow, and a blog that no-one is forced to read, yet still not as confined as a journal is my best option.
My next step, continue my emotive (no, that does not mean emo. Look it up) poem. The one verse I already wrote has helped, so I figure I should get on with it. Then, prayer and adoration as the final (hopefully step). I would rlly like to understand why a bit more than I do.
Ok, mega hugs to dolphin-loving paula! Poor thing had the maltese mock on her birthday!! Luckily tomorrow is English, so I hope the rest of her day was quite stress-free.
And a quick wave to the Famous Five, for whom I found a very special video.
Hope you like!! (its kinda hilarious in my opinion, and totally cheesy =P)
Bless bless bless!!
((before I forget, Happy Valentine's Day /
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
I'm lost inside
I can't explain why I'm
surrendering my life
So hard to breathe
I can barely see
what's going on
I'm trying so hard
to straighten things out
but I can't seem
But I'll give my all
If it takes my strength
And I'll shout it out
If it takes my voice
I'll even give my heart
If that's what it takes
To take this pain away
so... erm.. yeah that's it basically. I wasn't actually gonna show it at first, but in the end i decided it would be better out in the open. And... yeah, atm I'm feeling totally wierd. Like I feel things, but I don't feel them.
Sunday, 10 February 2008
During my prayer time this evening, I thought of a random person asking why I cared for them, and you know how it is when you're about to sleep and ur still in prayer, you literally just 'speak' without thinking, there's a certain openness about it all... Anyway,lets call the person X. I replied by saying "because you're a human being, and a friend. A dear one at that."
X: "Why do you care as much as you do when I dont care that much about you?"
Me: *shocked but carried on talking* "Because it doesn't affect me that you don't care as much."
X: "Why not?"
Me: "Because God's love supplements your care."
X: "Why do you care about me when I dont care at all about you?"
Me: my first reaction: "I don't know." Then: "Because you mean a lot to me."
Later I had an image of a friend this time asking my about what I learnt today. For some reason I said I learnt about love. Then it one flash it made sense. The reason I had cared for X was because I loved X (Im nt sure if it was a boy or girl. Its irrelevant anyway). Not a romantic kind of love, and not even a friendly kind of love, but a caring and compassionate love. Actually that doesnt quite cover it =S. Its an experience, and Im stuck for a description. Can you imagine if someone completely disregarded you and yet you cared and loved them as much, possibly more than any of your closest friends? Kinda hard. But thats what love really is.
When even if you're not getting anything back, you're giving out relentlessly and unashamedly. And you keep on loving that person, even if they hate you, but really loving, not even regretting loving them because they don't love you back!
I know that I'm personally incapable of doing anything of the sort, but God is. And that's what's so amazing! The fact that even if we don't return the sentiment, He wont stop loving and caring for us. It's a lesson I need to learn every single day. Partly because if God didn't have that kind of love for me I'd quite simply be 'screwed' daily. (pardon the expression, can't think of an alternative at half twelve) And also cos I always have trouble remembering it's possible.
^ Still calls me son - John Waller
The amazing story of the Prodigal Son.
Blessings, hugs, much love and prayers,
*-.dedicated to all those I wish to eventually love unconditionally.-*
PS Happy Bday Hillary =)
Friday, 8 February 2008
Although I'm really happy with the pic I found, you'll be surprised to know its the only relevant one i found too =P
So, reason for this post: I think you're undervalued. It occurred to me during my 5 second brainstorm for this post that I never, or at least rarely, thank you guys! So here goes, THANKS EVERYONE!! =)
Thank you for smiling
Thank you for being who you are
Thank you for supporting each other (not only me)
Thank you for being so kind
Thank you for being so generous
Thank you for being so trustworthy
Thank you for your constructive crticism
Thank you.. for being friends
Soppiness over, I now go on to say I loved Rache's latest post. (Mostly cos, apart from sharing a name, we seem to share dreams too xP)
Blessings and hugs,
(p.s. These people wanted a mention =P; Hillary says she loves me and Brooks says he's special)
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
So. Marriage. Amy and I were talking sometime last week and we came up with something about it. As Christians, we're exceptionally lucky, cos we can kind of get married twice. Yes I know polygamy is not accepted by the Church, but thats not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the kind of intimacy you achieve with marriage.
By living a good christian life, we should hopefully be getting closer and closer to God, in effect getting to know Him better and more deeply. Kind of like the closeness achieved in marriage, only more cos - duh - its God not a human.
And as Amy and I realised, we're lucky cos we also get to marry (in the usual worldly meaning of the word) a person who is doing their best to be like Him in every way. Which i personally think is totally awesome.
Let's face it, no human can live without other people. It's been scientifically proven countless times, that babies who get no human contact in their first few months grow up emotionally unstable and different to all the other kids. And many people also go a bit nuts if they lose human contact. I mean an example can be taken from the film I Am Legend.
Anyway, we need other people. We're interdependant as opposed to being independant. Yeah, I know it can be hard to realise it, it took me a while to get that too. I kept on insisting I could do it alone, when it was quite obvious I couldn't. Next thing you'll probably think is "I can do it, me and my God". I tried that too. You miss people, and God intended the closeness of friends:
Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)
As iron sharpens iron,
so a friend sharpens a friend.
And it took me a while to understand that too XD. It took Bet, and the following verse to make it sink in:
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
So, basically all I'm saying is we can't do without God and we can't do without close friends either. And, cos someone brought it up, it does not mean that i think that those who choose celibacy, priesthood, and "nunhood" are losing out, I'm just saying that in my opinion, the closest you can get to another human being is to be married to them. I think you'll be closer to your husband/wife than you will be to someone else (another human, to clarify). Which makes me think of that thing people say about having married their best friend. Finally makes sense..
ps. I spent half my day looking for all these pics. You ppl should feel special i made u a video =P, cos i couldnt find any of Desperation Band's I'm in love with You
pps. a wave to my nun luther king, and also to my dearest hillary-who-never-posts-on-her-blog, for helping me edit =)
Random one coming up!! So this morning I was a very big ansha xD, and I was whining and complaining like I do when I'm in a crappy mood. But then I spoke to a few friends, and kinda sorted myself out a bit. Now, onto more interesting news. I was asked abt the post I've been promising by one of those friends. It kinda kickstarted an emotional refresh xD (i bet u didnt know that =P) and I've spent about half my day researching the topic and looking for pictures. Admittedly, some sites annoyed me, but overall, most of them made me smile and encouraged me to continue. So, I am finally seriously working on this post, I hope to have it done by friday.
Congrats to kai on ur meltedness and ur internet =P; and all the fantabulous (dnt ask xP) costumes everyone had last night!
Blessings and hugs from achie
ps. i finally cut my hair!
Saturday, 2 February 2008
1) It's not the right time for it
2) I'm not in a stable enough emotional state to handle the topic
One day you'll probably see it here, but not just yet! Erm.. yeah aside from the confusion to blame for no 2), Im doing great! Today was definately the best birthday I've ever had, and it has nothing to do with my age. I really appreciate the many messages, msn and facebook as well as hi5 birthday wishes! And the fact that u came up to the land of far far away a.k.a. mellieha x)
I was told to blog about the van, which came after twelve o'clock.. we walked to the end of the road, skipped a bit, laughed, prayed in a circle *cue: mental image*, sang the song in the following vid, and talked about many random things... it made more than one of us think, and was overall quite inexplanatory.
Kai special hugs and prayers go out to you, hope u feel better soon. As well as all the other people I've noticed have been carrying a burden, and especially those whom I haven't.
Blessings, Prayers and hugs from me and a mega bear-hug from God!
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.