Sunday, 24 February 2008

Again..

Ok, so I rlly dont want to screw anything up by posting it, especially in my present mood.

I am seriously lost, and feeling very sad/confused and overall emotional. I feel like I've drifted so far away from my comforts. No offence to anyone, and I'm sorry I'm doing this in so public a fashion, where just about anyone with an internet connection can see it, but its the only way I can be sure everyone gets the same message. I feel like something's missing. Someone's missing. I've felt it for years. So very long, that I once asked my mum if she had any miscarriages cos I was sure someone was missing from the family. I know I have great friends, and yet no-one knows everything, though some have come close to it. Even with everything and anything I might have told you, even subliminally, put together, it would not form a complete picture. I feel that no-one knows me. No-one can tell what I'm thinking. No-one shares my likes and dislikes. As in Hillary's most recent blog, its my pride that has stopped me, the feeling that I'll be judged, cos I know that no matter how hard a person tries not to judge, no-one can be fully neutral to any situation.
I've actually spent most of my day thinking about this, or finding ways not to. I can tell you that I hate it, but I don't want to let go of this feeling. You know why? I'm scared. So completely scared that I'll drown. This is a feeling I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. Not having it will leave me more confused, scared and alone. I'm pretty sure I will be surrounded my unfamiliarity. As much as I've pined for someone to realise, no matter how much I prayed for someone to realise, I'm pretty sure no-one has. And even though I've wished and prayed for someone to realise, I also prayed and wished no-one would, cos I'm secure in this emotional state somehow, I am a natural loner through and through. Though I love company, I love being alone. I hate being left out, but at the same time it gives me reason to wallow in this. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm not sure if I want people to know, or if i want them to find out. Im tired of waiting, but I hate that its gone unnoticed. So much for subliminal hints.

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