Saturday, 19 September 2009

6th October 1999

My evening/night was grand until 2.40am. That's when it all caught up with me. By normal reasoning the cause should have made me immensely happy, but alas, normality is beyond me. Venting has helped some.

I also found a note I wrote in 1999. It cemented my belief that ten years ago I was who I am now, then lost myself in the next sevenish years, and now I'm slowly finding myself again. For all intents and purposes, the note looks almost suicidal. The truth is, it isn't. It's grey. It's like fluffy white sheep in a large muddy enclosure on a cloudy and cold day. It's content. It's hopeful. It's me. It's made me think a bit. Do I really enjoy what I say I do? Is what I say even what I think? And how do I know what I'm thinking isn't a smokescreen to stop me from dwelling on what I know I'm actually thinking? A screen I've become so accustomed to that I've come to ignore? Am I building on sand? Am I, by some perverse reasoning, becoming so counter-cultural that I've conformed to the genre that professes to be so?

In fact, I'm pretty much convinced that it is the case. It puts a lot of events of the last 3 years into perspective. The truth of the matter is that I need to strip myself bare. Get shaken to my foundations. Because the more I think about it, the direction I've been trying to get myself to go, and even what I currently am, is a shadow of my childhood self. Not the silly things I said, like liking exams cause it was the only time the class was quiet (amused many adults, that phrase did) but the essence of it. I like quiet. I love thinking. I really do enjoy learning and telling people what I've learnt. I honestly did like exams. I still do, if I've studied more than a few hours. Unfortunately doing well in school became out of style, and so I cut part of myself off. That's where it started. The minute I started caring what other people thought about what was right was where I lost myself. It was Junior 5. That statement was the last one of the sort. Junior 6 was finding your niche, I never found mine. I lost it to fit in. Every time it was suggested, I fervently denied it and made more of an effort to lose that reputation. It was also around the time I stopped joining my nanna for mass on saturdays. There you have it. I don't expect this to make much sense to you, in all honesty I'm writing this for purely selfish reasons.

Apart from the apparent depression, it highlighted another love of mine. Something else I lost. I can't derive the loss of this one. I think it was to do with not making time for it. Time and again I've wanted to pick it up again, and I've failed every time.

Looking back, it's so stupid that I did what I did. But what nine year old knows what's best for them? Especially a nine year old who is at her happiest when alone. I know that you can't live in the past, and have to move forward and progress. But really, how can it be called progression if I'm going further from who I am? Building on a false idea. The time lost means other things have developed and need to be incorporated into that old me, the real one. They don't conflict anyway, so it can't be too hard. Somehow, this will work.

The next two weeks will be stressful. Absolutely no question about it. For a bunch of unrelated reasons. But maybe this will help. Maybe it will make it harder, but I think it will help more.

Friday, 4 September 2009

Dear Miss Bonnie ^^

While luca has a near breakdown due to hyperactivity, minis and top gear, and jamie debates the positive and negative aspects of his voice in my head (mostly to himself), I'll do this!

So, I was thinking about wardrobes last monday. In the way you refer to a church being the people not the building, I'm referring to the clothes not the actual frame in which you keep them. As a general rule to prevent buying clothes that you probably won't wear, it's suggested that you mentally pair the item with what your wardrobe consists of. If you abide by this rule, you might not buy that top you really like, that is actually quite expensive, but you only have one pair of trousers that would "work" with the cut/colour/style of said top. The top might be amazing, but you respond to your better judgement and don't buy it.
Obviously this relies a lot on what you already have in that wardrobe. Past decisions very similar to the one you just made. Except that since then, the contents have changed. In fact, those jeans you love to wear might just recall a time when most of the things you currently have weren't around. An almost complete shift in content. But, unless you're bonnie (much love, poppet :P) you probably don't do a complete shift every year or so, and add a couple of items at a go, always basing it on what you currently own. This affects your decisions, and moulds your future wardrobe, your measure-stick the next time you shop. It affects our styles, how we dress, the way we re-invent older items, our ultimate 'look'. I for one, have always really liked Jaccarini's style, but have never really tried to do something similar. Mostly cause I know that a lot of the things she wears (that i really like) would not make sense with what i currently own. Without the basic (girls will understand this better) and classic items, or ones with a complete different cut/style, it will be absolutely useless to buy a single item. I can't afford, nor have the patience for, collecting a bunch of clothes that will ultimately give me what, two outfits? It makes them worthless purchases.

I could go into a lot more detail with this XD

Anyway, I was thinking that it's very much like our lives. We're a build-up of experiences and opinions, hopes and fears, hurts and dreams etc etc. Maybe one path that looks great to us might not "fit" with what we have. Or just about fit, but it isn't a seamless fit, there are still things that don't "flow" with the rest of the collection. Maybe that path is better suited to someone else. Or maybe it just doesn't flatter you. Simple as that. This refers to universities, career choices, your actual wardrobe, God-knows even your hair.

I feel like I just channeled Bonnie. She better read this :P